feelings.

i’m not the most emotional person. scratch that, it’s just that i don’t often experience/dwell on negative emotions. i’m actually very emotional, the happy kind of emotional. but the last couple weeks i’ve been a mess of ups and downs.

i was excited for the semester to be over so i could be done with school. excited to go back home to mass. excited for late night daddy-daughter conversations. excited for day dates with mom. excited to act like a child with my little brother. excited to meet my new puppy. excited to be wasting the days away with my best friend. excited to finally see the beach again. excited about a new job opportunity. excited to really start getting ready for a new big adventure. just excited.

then i was sad. sad that it was going to be over and i was going to have to leave. sad that i probably wont be back to provo for a while. sad that after this i probably wont see most of the amazing people i’ve become friends with again. sad that i'd basically have to hug them goodbye and say “have a nice life.” so sad that i almost decided to postpone going home to stay here a little longer. but why put off the inevitable, right?

next it was all about making the most of the dwindling days i had left. going to every party and get together i could. scheduling my time {which i never do} so i could fit everything and everybody in.

then i was stressed. studying for finals. packing up the last two and a half years of my life. figuring out storage situation {huge blessing that is-let me tell you}. sending in job applications. figuring out where to stay for the 3 days between when i get kicked out of my apartment and when i fly home. i very much dislike being stressed.

suddenly finals were over and i was happy! jump for joy and scream out loud happy. i think every one of my fellows cougars can relate to the feeling of walking out of the testing center having just completed your last exam-it’s pretty awesome. kept me on a high for a while.

and then yesterday happened. yesterday was about goodbye. i know everybody hates goodbyes and i’m no exception. i hate the feeling of emptiness when you say goodbye, whether it’s forever or for the night, one second you’re with someone and the next they’re gone and you’re alone. i was having fun with my friends but all day i was dreading goodbye. it hit me that this was the end of what, at this point, has been my college experience. when i get back i’ll have to start over. my best friend left. i cried a little. a friend made sure i wasn’t alone, but he couldn’t stay all night. so i sat there in bed thinking “what do i do when _______ happens and no else knows why it’s funny?” “who am i going to bother when all i want to do is vent about something completely insignificant.” “who am i going to cuddle with?” “there’s no one who gets me or knows me quite like she does.” and i cried a lot.

one more thing. there’s this stupid emotion popping up all of a sudden that i’m really not okay with. this feeling is an old friend but it has been a while. it’s that feeling of draw to a person. when you see them just a little differently than you see everybody else, like they’re more special or something. when for no reason at all they come into your mind. when they’re not there you want them to be and when they are you want them to be closer. when you make them smile and it means a little more than when you make anybody else smile. when you start to notice the little insignificant things about them. you know the feeling i’m talking about and you know that it can actually be pretty awesome. unfortunately timing is everything {and now is not the time} and it’s unrequited. i don’t now which of those two is worse.

like i said emotional rollercoaster lately for me. i apologize for this long, self-absorbed and depressing post. i have no idea why i felt the need to blog this and not journal it like i usually do with thoughts of this nature. anyway, i have to go finish packing now. thanks for listening reading.